I don't like to think that everything is a coincidence, I would rather believe in fate. Not destiny, fate. I think the little things in life can be changed by hard work or strong desires, but the general outline of your life follows fate. The important people, the significant events all happen the way they happen because of fate. And I know it sounds silly, but it is inexplicable and non-scientific things like that that makes life that much more mysterious and fascinating. Or so I would like to believe. Perhaps that is why I never ever try too much, because I want to let fate hold my hand, enjoy the walk and see where I end up.

Also, I am finally done with school. Pretty sure I didn't do well, oh well. 

This comes to me as a shock, but there are moments when you make me want to be a better person. Apparently, miracles do exist. 

Except I couldn't ask out loud, I can only wonder. Perhaps because now I know what is good for me, and I know just asking 'how are you' is not good for me because it is going to kick start a whole series of crazy. It will remind me of why I felt couldn't let myself feel for the longest time, and it will remind me of how vulnerable a person could be. Its weird that a person that played such a big part in my life is associated to so many negative things. Maybe because love fades faster than hurt, and when the love dissipates, you're left with good memories, and when you recall the good memories, you don't feel anything apart from 'that was nice, i was happy'. But when you think of an event that has hurt you, you can still almost feel the pain, or at least how horrible it felt to be so goddamn weak. Maybe because time has yet to heal this wound. Or maybe its my own doing, for allowing guilt to get the better of me, which ended up with me getting sucked into the dark abyss of bad memories. The equivalent to tearing open my wound just before it completely heals. 

Its sad that you make it impossible for me to care.

But I wish nothing but the best for you

I hope some day soon someone/I will be able to break that last barrier that I built because of you. 

I remember you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. 

Went back to singapore for spring break and I'm super happy I got to see my dear trangy and emz. Its friends like that (plus juang aka lavon aka tallfriend) still keep me grounded and allow me to still have faith in life/humans. They are people who I know will never change in my life, they are constants and they understand me and love me despite of my twisted little brain. They are people that I know are going to be a part of me no matter where I am in life and no matter how far apart we are. I still want to build that house/buy that huge apartment so we can all live together. It will be my DCT

School has been a huge bitch, so much work to do, and as usual, I push everything to the last minute and I just never learn from my lessons. But hopefully I get everything done. Have been jet lagged for a week, which has put me in a horrendous mood because I'm basically tired all the time and my schedule is being thrown far far off. But I think its getting better today, so I'm glad. 

I realise things that happen to my friends can make me very cynical. What's happening with V and the other thing just made reevaluate human nature. I already don't have a very good impression on people, now its just becoming worse. Still struggling with being emotionally handicapped. Its like dipping my toes in the water because I'm feeling brave, and then the next moment I'm pulling out because I have the slightest doubts, then it repeats again. I hate it because it really isn't me, or at least didn't use to be me. Maybe it is me now. Its bad because in my original state (this is making me sound like a compound or matter), I'm already apathetic, and now even when I am not apathetic (rare moments), I keep wanting to run away. And the problem is that I actually really good at it. But I definitely want to be less afraid because I really do believe fear causes most of the problems in this world. I can't decide if people get more and more afraid of things as they grow up or less and less afraid because they grow to learn to be able to rationalise their fears. But I feel like I became more afraid because of all the experiences in life and as you grow older you can't just be like 'i don't give a fuck' anymore. Actually you still can, just that repercussions and consequences get more real as you grow older. I want to make a conscious decision not to let consequences get to me (it never really did, but it affects me a little more now), but on the other hand I feel like it will make me more irresponsible than I already am. I can't decide where the line should be drawn. Sigh. I wish I could live in a bubble, away from reality. 

Whatever, maybe I just need to do some shopping or go on an adventure. I will be a free gurrr after tuesday!

Just been hearing so much shit I don't even know where to begin. I was going to pray to thank god last night that I came to the states because if not, I would have been stuck in a shithole that I could probably never get out of. But obviously I forgot. Got to make a note to myself to remember to do so tonight. There's so much going on in my head right now that its becoming a blank. Its like when things move too quickly and you don't even see the object, all you see is a blur of its movement. It makes me wonder, from the first to the last, what have I learnt, apart from learning how to be okay. I still choose wrong, I'm still idealistic, and maybe too hopeful for my own good. 

I also think I have reached a new state of 'titanium' as anne would say. Shit happens, just got to get your act together and carry on. 

The ride is sweet and it seems all dandy, but it pushes you back and forth. 

I wish I didn't expect the world to revolve around me, but I seem to tend to do that a lot. I always expect too much, even when I tell myself not to. Its almost as if when things don't go my way, I'm shocked and taken aback and don't know how to deal with it. I know that makes me sound spoilt and shit, but I swear I'm not. I try very very hard not to be this way, which is why I don't show it, but every time things go in another direction, I just get very affected and upset.

Is it weird that as much as I hate it, the concept of vulnerability is very interesting and almost attractive to me. The idea of something that makes you lose control of your emotions is very refreshing, because very few things make me feel that way. But in reality, I hate it so much. It makes me unable to function because my brain just isn't wired to deal with that. So it is very frustrating because the concept and reality do not coincide. 

I wish I was more in touch with reality, because in my head, everything just magically works out and everything is possible. So its hard to give up on things that seem impossible. Because I tend to hope and I tend to dream, and sometimes that causes me to wind up on the losing end or getting hurt. And the worse part is that the more impossible it seems, the more i want it. Maybe I just love a good challenge, or maybe I just want to prove all the realists wrong. So surprise me. 

Also, decided to try out pandora, because rachel said its amazing. And I admit, it is pretty amazing. I'm discovering more wonderfully depressing songs. yay?

When we just do things for the moment (very guilty of that) we just be, and nothing really matters and nothing's really right or wrong, because at this moment right now, there are no causes and no consequences. But when you zoom out into the big picture and watch your life on playback, it is scary because you realise how fucked up and meaningless everything is. We see patterns that kill us, yet we stick to them. Its like watching tv and thinking "Is she retarded? why the fuck did she do that?" but yet we can't seem to break away from our own cycles. Regardless, I still choose to live for the moment. But then I wonder, does it make me me, or does it just make me stupid?

Sometimes a little bit of bad news is necessary to push you in one direction or another, when you're undecided between 2 options. Sometimes it is a little pang in the heart, but at least its a good wake up call and you realise you're not superhuman, and also that you're wrong again.